ben is on the inter.net

Some people are probably writing a “Worst of 2007″ list or similar, but this is probably an impossible task. While I admit, it’s hard to play every good game in a year, it’s undoubtedly MUCH harder to play every bad one. The ratio of filler to quality is astonishing on store shelves, and sometimes games end up moving from the latter to the former before they ship. Some ideas just sound like, sure, that could be fun, and then MAN do they screw it up somehow. Arguably, the BEST games in a given year are the ones that completely surpass our expectations (but, well, I’ll be writing about that starting tomorrow). The games listed here are the WORST, though. I was pretty excited about all of these only to have my heart BROKEN.

Rogue Galaxy
This game came out almost a year ago? Man, I swear it was just YESTERDAY that I took down my Rogue Galaxy pre-launch wallpaper on my PC after having been bored by this game’s numerous failures. Level5, the developers of this game, as well as Dark Cloud 2 and Dragon Quest VIII, games that I rather like, tried to make a space odyssey. This is not the only space odyssey that disappointed me this year! It seems so strange though; like, how do you mess something like this up? You’re allowed to employ endless creativity, you can have a big or small story, and you just have to keep the audience AWAKE. However! This game, like SPOILER ALERT Mass Effect below are some of the most yawn inducing, lifeless games I played all year. There’s no emotion or connection to the bland templated characters (Mass Effect has ONE good character, FINE), you have no idea what you’re supposed to be doing, and in this game, at least, the combat was unforgiving and sometimes downright RUDE. There are two screenshots of this game that are LIES. One of them is a character reaching out to the stars trying to touch them, swallowed in the vastness of the universe. The other is of a wooden pirate ship flying out over a gorgeous jungle planet. This game did not immediately present me with this sense of wonder, and quite frankly, I kept getting lost and pissed off. I might try it again in 2008 if nothing good comes out for a while.

Heavenly Sword and Motorstorm and the PS3 until October 23
Man, talk about premature launch, huh? The PS3 didn’t get a good game until October 23, nearly a year after the system launched. When Ratchet and Clank came out, I exclaimed:

What the-? This High Def PS2 I have can play games that look like 360 games?

Because seriously, man, what a terrible year this system had. If a steady stream of quality releases continues (pro-tip: it probably will ebb and flow, but it’s still pretty desperate out there), and if they come up with some reason for me to buy the PS3 version of multi-platform games (bro-tip: they probably won’t because I crave achievement points), they might actually come close to being able to beat out low-tier game systems like the V-Smile and Tiger handhelds. But man. Fucking Motorstorm. And Ninja Theory’s Heavenly Sword (a game that wanted to be Japanese so bad, they even made imitation anime!). Man, Warhawk. And LAIR (guitar wailing in sadness). All those games that people thought would make the PS3 viable, only for them to be worse with each passing release. And here we are, a year in, and there are two honest to God GREAT games on the system (pro-tip: at least one of them appears in my top 10). I just feel sorry for these guys right now.

Assassin’s Creed
Thank God I started renting games. I frothed for this game pretty hard when I saw the first trailer. I even saw the sci-fi dual plot thing right away. But MAN. These guys created a really, really good climbing engine, and then… well… that’s pretty much all there is. Well, there’s that and the really slow-paced unnecessary cutscenes in both the past and the present (these are “Forced Walking in Gears of War” moments). And the Copy/Paste/Rotate of the multiple city designs in the game. Oh, and the Da Vinci Code twist at the end. Man… For a game where freedom of choice was such a big deal, they just took so much away from the player most of the time that it’s kind of crippling. Even the climbing often resulted in a failed jump or the same “I can’t jump on that” animation. Also, more like “Assassins’ Creed.” I thought the high profile failures ended here, though…

Mass Effect
“Thank God I started renting games.” I actually bought this game before I saw that Blockbuster had it (and returning it was the best decision I made with games this year). I was really looking forward to it until I saw some of the footage of the developers on some SciFi channel thing. Bioware’s illusion of choice ends up being use to great effect, it seems! HEY REMEMBER THAT PART WHERE I PUNCHED THAT GUY NO WAY I DIDN’T PUNCH THAT GUY. Jack and I watched this part of this interview, which was maybe 30 seconds in, and we turned it off, and refused to watch the rest. I still had hope that this could be a great game, if a little misunderstood. How about that one part, like 3 hours in, where some guy says “there are three important missions for you to take, one of them requires you travel to one of these sixteen planets to find some girl” and then you have to literally go to multiple planets, drive the stupid Batmobile thing for as long as you want, and then try and find this girl DEEP UNDERGROUND (bro-tip: use gamefaqs or something); I guess if you had the patience to talk to every person on every other planet you might have at least been pointed in the right direction. Here’s the run-down: Oblivion did the whole choice thing better, KotOR did Star Wars better, Uncharted did cutscenes better (SO MUCH BETTER), and Gears of War did the shooting parts of this game better. It’s kind of astonishing how bad the RPG screens are in this game, but even more astonishing is the reviews this game is getting… This is from the same group of people that thought KotOR 2 was an unfinished mess, and this game is FAR worse than that. Try driving the stupid Batmobile thing for a little while, and you’ll know what I mean. If you enjoy being lost all the time, and you really want to watch a Starship Troopers TV series dubbed into French and then back into English, you’ll really like this game.

Silent Hill: The Arcade
Granted, I was only excited for the game for about 15 minutes (the time between when I first saw signs advertising it and when I first got to play it in an arcade), it’s just one of the most miserable gaming experiences of my life. Tim Rogers and I stumbled into the machine in the arcade, wondering what a Survival Horror rail shooter would play like… It’s actually pretty simple. You take the parts of House of the Dead that were fun, and then you throw in boss battles where you cannot avoid taking damage (I don’t mean you might not avoid it, I mean there is no gameplay mechanic allowing you to avoid it), and you get the idea. You just have to keep putting money in to see the game. I wish I’d put my quarters into that Half-Life 2 arcade shooter instead.

I didn’t realize there were so many games that I liked this year but that I didn’t like like, wink nudge etc.

Rock Band
Sigh… I really wanted to like this one more than any game ever, at least at first. It’s got a small army of problems, though, and while some of them (song selection) might be fixed over time, I ended up liking rocking out to Guitar Hero quite a bit more… Since this game is everybody’s post-’giving darling, I might as well make those complaints clear:

• The songs are boring. Some people call them easy, but I find that almost every song on this game’s list (including the DLC) to be pretty boring to listen to or perform UNLESS you’re playing the drums. There’s not a single guitar part in this game that compares to the solos in the FIRST TIER of Guitar Hero III’s list… Most of them lack interesting syncopation or wailing, and that’s pretty inexcusable in a game about ROCKING THE FUCK OUT. Similarly, most of the vocal parts are boring as SIN, and aren’t FUN. The bass parts, as usual, are lifeless. As others have put it, Harmonix made Drum Hero, and they allowed you to hook other instruments up for an inferior experience.
• The guitar that the game comes with is terrible. Maybe mine’s just broken (I actually put in for the warranty already, so we’ll see about that!), but the frets are sticky and the strum bar doesn’t register about 20% of my upstrokes. For some reason these plastic guitars get WORSE every time one of these games comes out.
• The game’s default calibration is WAY off. I think this is also true of the guitar hero games, but they hide it by introducing a sizable deadzone. I PREFER THIS GREATLY. There’s nothing worse than hitting forty of the same note, constantly strumming in perfect tempo only to have the game think that you missed the 31st note. It makes me frustrated that I’ve been unable to get it calibrated perfectly, while Guitar Hero 2 and 3 have never caused me any trouble on the 360.
• It’s got a pretty bad framerate! This doesn’t matter too much. But it annoys me, as a framerate guy. The game’s not even DOING anything. WHAT THE HELL.
• No online world tour. Really? This would have ushered in the NEW ERA.
• They made several small mistakes in how the 360 features are handled: the new instruments can’t turn on the console, so when you start up the game you are likely going to have your profile signed into the controller that’s plugged in, which is probably not what you want (since, as mentioned before, you probably want to play the drums); there’s no in-game keyboard for text entry which makes text-entry stupid on the guitars; you cannot purchase DLC from within the game, at least I couldn’t find a way to do this (you have to browse to the game in the Xbox Live Marketplace, while in Guitar Hero 3 a note appears telling you there’s new DLC and then you just go and buy it, right there, in the game’s main menu)

There’s actually more stuff that I’m unhappy with… but at the end of the day the game’s pretty fun in a group so it gets a pass, I think.

Stranglehold
SHOOTING. SHOOTING AND JUMPING AND SLIDING NOW IT’S TIME TO EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOODE. This game has, without question, the best first level an action game has ever had. Unfortunately, every level after the first gets progressively worse in terms of design. Action Button Dot Net really nailed it when they said this game was like Shenmue only done correctly; I just wish it kept the initial pace through the whole game.

Halo 3
It arrived on my birhtday! I had some glorious fun playing this game on co-op, but it didn’t really accomplish anything new and, for whatever reason, I don’t feel the need to ever pop it in again. Maybe I’ll get the last skull that I need, but I think I’d rather go through Gears of War instead. At least this was much better than Halo 2! And co-op really was pretty nice…

Pac-Man: Championship Edition
We finally get a true sequel to the original Pac-Man (not like the lousy expansion pack Ms. Edition), and it’s probably the best arcade game I’ve ever played. It’s really beautiful and classy, but somehow it’s just not as fun as Pac-Man Vs. If only they had plans for DLC…

The Orange Box
The only reason this isn’t the best game released this year is because I feel like it’s cheating. Take 4 pretty good games and 1 unbelievably fucking amazing game, put them together, and then release it like it’s just one game? It took some balls, that’s for sure, and it is easily the best gameplay value EVER. As a spoiler, two of the games that came with the Orange Box are in my top 10 list, and I wanted to honor them separately with their own praises. Which brings me to…

Team Fortress 2
I like it and all, but I’m terrible at it, so you probably won’t see me online in this for some time! People are already doing way too many “glitchy” things which just makes inexperienced players feel even worse in an online match. I will say that when you’ve got the friends to play it, this is probably the best multiplayer only experience out there (other than Halo 3 co-op and Shadowrun, which is only bad because nobody bought it).

In an effort to get back into the habit of regular posting, I’m going to do a list series where I discuss, of all things, the games I played this year that I liked the most. This is especially valid now that the year is pretty much over, and I can’t think of a single release until sometime in 2008 that would have a chance of getting onto this list. Today I’m listing out five games, in no particular order, that could have been #10 if there had been fewer incredible releases this year.

Bioshock
This game really could have been something special. In fact, the first hour led me to believe that it was. I’m glad I saw it through to the ending, but the game just had too many flaws to bump it up into the top 10. Also, the game was a little longer than I’d have liked (in fact, I’d much rather the main character killed himself about halfway through to let the game end on an exclamation point) (actually, if they did this, I’d probably have put this above some of the top picks) (oh well, maybe next time?).

Blue Dragon
I never beat this one, and unless my current pile runs out I probably never will. An epic adventure blah blah blah. The art direction is really great and the story is actually kind of OK. The sluggish battle menus are probably my biggest complaint, and while that sounds like a nitpick, this is a HUGE problem when you’ll fight probably 5,000 battles over the course of the game. On the plus side, this was the only RPG this year where you can just automatically kill bad guys without fighting them if you level up an ability.

Everyday Shooter
This game only really makes this list because I was SO PUMPED for it until I played it and found out it had really terrible control and mostly bad music. Moving on…

Contra 4
It’s a really, really hard game that feels like a remake of Contra 1 for the NES. That’s pretty great, sure, but I just can’t help feeling that the game has no real flow for how the levels are assembled. Also, you only get the good music if you play on Hard, which sucks because every person that plays on Hard will likely run out of lives before they’ve scrolled the screen twice. Sad!

Rhythm Tengoku
While this game didn’t come out this year and thus is disqualified from the main list I didn’t get a chance to play it until I picked it up during my trip to Tokyo. It’s a WarioWare-esque music game, and it has some really creative microgames.

(if you play it on co-op).

The McRib has been re-released. The collector in me must eat it.

Some people on select button were talking about this a couple days ago, and I think it’s an extremely interesting topic! Basically, what is the perfect airport game? What game would you only play while being trapped in a plane for way too many hours? It was mentioned that OCD gamers probably plan out the games they’ll play in much greater detail than they’ll plan out the actual vacation or business trip. So, I’ve been going through my library, trying to quantify games as either good or bad for air travel, and I have a handful in my carry-on for Tokyo. I tried my hardest to grab as many GBA games as possible, as the GBA Micro is my favorite handheld system out there. Let’s see, these were my top picks:

• Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga (GBA) - 5 out of 5 airplanes
• The Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap (GBA) - 5 out of 5 airplanes
• Super Robot Taisen: Original Generation 2 (GBA) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• Gunstar Super Heroes (GBA) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• Chu Chu Rocket (GBA) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• Super Mario Bros. 3 (GBA) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (NDS) - 5 out of 5 airplanes
• Contact (NDS) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• Sonic Rush Adventure (NDS) - 4 out of 5 airplanes
• Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin (NDS) - 4 out of 5 airplanes

My basic criteria focused on games I could completely destroy in under 30 hours (total roundtrip airtime for my trip), or at least make enough progress to feel “done.” Big bonuses include frequent save points (so I can fall asleep) and simple gameplay (except for Super Robot Wars, which is just good times).

Then I was at gamegames and they had Jeanne D’Arc used for $25 ($23 after discount card + tax), and that seems like it might be the perfect game. For the first time in months, I pulled Outrun 2006 out of my PSP!

Also, this was on kotaku today, but in cased you missed it, this is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL machinima using Team Fortress 2:

Man, the 360 has been pretty astonishing over the past month.

I beat Bioshock, I’m about 30% into Blue Dragon, haven’t even popped in Eternal Sonata, and I’ve only finished a couple levels between Halo 3 and Stranglehold.

This month, the one with my birthday in it, will now be known as BIHALUE DRAGTERNANGLEHOLD.

At Toys-R-Us. It sucks because Juls had his DS stolen.

It’s just stupid Manaphy but it will have special trainers and I gue-

Wish I was playing Halo.

I’ll probably regret this later! You see, I managed to get really hyped up for Halo 2 (thanks to the Haunted Apiary) only to be let down really hard when the game finally came out. I mean, I know that’s what expectations do to experiences, but it was still really disheartening, like something I thought to be impossible.

Well, it’s happening again. Partly because of the museum ad (and it’s delicious parody), but mostly because of this:

(there’s a wonderful HD version of this over at gamersyde)

Anyway, I really, really like the concept of a war memorial for the last moments of this game. I think it’s a really clever campaign even though the interviews are a little strained.

I’ve even gone back and started Halo 2 over on Legendary to see whether or not I truly did dislike the experience. And… well… I sort of do but I also sort of don’t. It used to bother me how hollow the world felt in Halo, but now I like to think of the Master Chief as some sort of Crackdown character. I mean, he can jump like 30 feet in the air and absorb bullets! Plus, there’s David Cross!

It doesn’t help that Halo 3 is adding in replay saving stuff and some sort of crazy map editing mode where one player is the Hand of God. Maybe, if people I know play it, I’ll be able to enjoy it? I played one round of Halo 2 online ever and I was disgusted at just how much bigotry can be crammed into a 15 minute game. I can’t wait to have kids!

So, Tuesday’s my birthday, and my copy of Halo 3 is already paid for, and for some stupid reason I’m really, really excited to play it. That’s it, really. Expect a post in a couple days where I totally hate on the game.

I played the demo a bunch but have not yet spent enough time on the retail version. Still, the video posting feature is really, really excellent. I made a video of my wild and/or crazy fat shirtless moobman.

When playing games and watching game commercials made me think this sort of thing were possible.

I know that, for instance, I used to think that someday I’d be given evidence that games were representations of a reality out there, and that it might be possible to bridge that gap. I should note that this was BEFORE I saw Captain N as a kid.

I miss those times! Now everything just feels like games for games’ sake. Actually, Ico never really felt like a game to me. Maybe that’s why it wins my Best Award For All Award.

Great games keep on coming out! Last week was Persona 3, this week is Bioshock, Brain Age 2, and Space Giraffe, and next week is Stranglehold, and Blue Dragon.

I’m passing on Metroid Prime 3, the new Guild Wars expansion, Harvest Moon: Rune Factory, and Wild Arms 5, all of which I would probably have picked up if times were different. Blue Dragon is dangerously close to that line, too, since between Persona 3 and the upcoming Eternal Sonata, my RPG mindshare is limited!

So, according to Kotaku, and now an official press release, you’re my boss now. The pleasure’s all mine!

You’ve been the most frank and honest videogame businessman in this tight-lipped industry for more than one generation of hardware. 8 or 9 years ago, I read an interview where you sounded knowledgeable and honestly excited to get Skies of Arcadia and Grandia II for the Dreamcast. It stuck with me, because in this interview I saw the words of a man who knew what his company needed and was infinitely pleased that they were getting it. Of course, this was back when, were I in my current position, we’d have been bitter enemies, at least as far as fake internet rivalries go.

Seriously, you bring a lot of street cred to the table. I’m glad we got you!

Now let’s make some GREAT games.

EA has some serious power behind it, as I’m sure you’re aware. We’re this giant ball of potential energy placed awkwardly at the top of a giant hill. On one side of the hill there is great success! At the other side, there is success, but people hate you for it.

Please push us in the correct direction.

Seriously,

Ben Burbank
Software Engineer
EA Sports

P.S. I’m also writing a private letter.

Save the date, originally uploaded by skelethulu.

July 21st. Saturday. Harry Potter 7 drops and then THIS.

God I hope Jack won’t have to work.

I’m telling you, this will be the most important Saturday of all our lives.

Outrun 2 Is Backwards Compatible, originally uploaded by skelethulu.

I’ve said many times that OutRun 2 is one of the most pure, most authentic games ever made. It does not lie or cheat you. It sets the bar for sequels. It takes you on a beautiful journey through parts unknown.

And now it works on the Xbox 360! The even better news is that my Logitech 360 racing wheel is ALSO backwards compatible (this is apparently not true of the official Microsoft wheel), and this allows me to further immerse myself in a magical sound shower.

OutRun 2006 Coast 2 Coast is also supported now, but I don’t own an Xbox version of that yet (currently only have that game for PS2 and PSP).

Couple this with the demos for Blue Dragon and Eternal Sonata that have gone through my Live hole, and my 360 will not rest this weekend. By the way, Eternal Sonata feels like a next-gen sequel to Tales of Symphonia, which makes me pretty happy! And Blue Dragon feels like… well… they could have gotten the framerate up. Other than that both of those strangers in a strange land will be welcome in my now shortened 360 library.

FOR SALE, originally uploaded by skelethulu.

I’m packing up most of my games and shipping them off, one at a time, on ebay. My current spreadsheet lists over 1,000 games that I’ll be selling off in the coming month(s?). It’s sad but it’s really time for me to stop hording stuff, especially if I’ll never play it again. It’s actually a lot of damn work to get rid of them! But I can pretend this is my one last playtime.

Don’t worry, I’m keeping Radiant Silvergun.

I PLAY MY PSP AGAIN, originally uploaded by skelethulu.

No matter what you do, putting any amount of content creation control into the player’s hands can ruin your game, and I love it.

I’ve been playing a lot of Pokemon lately. I think somewhere around 80 or 90 hours logged since Pearl came out, which is WAY more than I’ve played any other game over a similar period. It’s an escape!

Anyway, lots of guys around the office have been playing City of Heroes lately. The other night I picked up City of Villains, and I decided to relaunch my account. I named this thing “Lightning Rat”:

Umihara Kawase Shun (PS1)

Score: YES.

PINK BACKPACK RETURNS. It’s a sequel to the Super Famicom original. The levels are a little more interesting, the 3D is kind of ugly but I love it, and there are still stupid looking fish things that you reel in. Great physics-based puzzle-platforming.

Monster World Complete Collection (PS2)

Score: Yes.

So, this is where Adventure Island started. There are games on here where you play what would become Adventure Island with an almost identical tile set. There are also games on here where you kill your way through side-scrolling RPG fun-times. I’ll definitely burn more time on this when I’m done with Pokemon, although I’m not sure I’ll be done with Pokemon any time soon.

The Zombie vs. Ambulance (PS2)

Score: No.

First, Samurai Western, a game where Samurai fight gunsligners, was not fun. Now, a game where zombies fight ambulance is not fun. Why the hell. Seriously, guys.

Super Robot Wars Alpha 3 (PS2)

Score: YES!

Actually, I haven’t popped this into my PS2 yet, but it has like 500,000 robots from 100,000 different giant robot anime series and it’s supposedly about 30-40 hours worth of flipping out. It receives the maximum score without my even playing it!

Vib Ribbon (PS1)

Score: Yes.

yo the beats are strong yo the beats are strong but the night is long.

I love Vib Ribbon. I loved it when I was in college, and while I was living in Chicago I loved its soundtrack (selections of which appeared on this crazy mix CD I had called “Japan Goes Wrong”). It has some really, really messed up J-Pop, some really whacked out aesthetics, and some downright good times. It’s also the only music game I can think of where you can put in your own CDs and have it generate levels from the wave form. Seriously, this game is the pipe is leaking, the game. Colin and I just popped in the Mother 1+2 Soundtrack, and it’s really amazing to see a game create new levels based on any old piece of crap music you put in (not that the Mother 1+2 soundtrack is a piece of crap, it’s probably some of the best music ever, but hey).

I buy tons of video games. I also play some of them! Everytime I buy five games, I’ll post mini-reviews of them. My reviews are even more simple than those on actionbutton; I give a game either a Yes or a No. I might change the wording slightly if I really like or really hate something. Simple!

Pokemon Diamond & Pearl (Nintendo DS)

Score: YES!

I’m currently 10 hours into the new Pokemon (no I will not add the accent) game and it’s as fantastic as ever. Seriously, I bought my first Pokemon game while I was in college as a joke (if you read this site, you will soon learn that this is a somewhat large classification of my game purchases), and after my first 10 hours I knew that this was one of the finest crafted gaming formulas around. The game is broad but not deep, and the mechanics encourage thoughtful extended play. At least 4 guys that I work with have picked this up and are playing through it at roughly the same pace as I am, and it’s encouraging to see how much fun we’re all having. This new one feels like the PSOne sequel to the original games that we never would have seen if there wasn’t a Nintendo DS. The graphics are simple 3D and are extremely charming, and some of the music is legendary.

Guitar Hero II (Xbox 360)

Score: Yes.

As I’ve mentioned, they somehow tricked me again. I really enjoy it, and I’m trying to play through it on Hard and Expert this time, which is really making me much better at… Guitar Hero. Still, the 360 version has Killer Queen resurrected from the first game (if you’re willing to spend $6 to download it), and that song alone is worth playing again. Anyway, it’s quite good, even a third time! I hope they put up some classier music for download soon. I mean, their audience is mostly nerds… why not a 3-pack of Freezepop tracks?

Game and Watch Gallery - Volumes 1, 2, and 4 (Gameboy*)

Score: Yes.

These remakes for the Gameboy, Gameboy Color, and Gameboy Advance are fantastic diversions that really remind your hands and eyes what gaming is. There are things blinking somewhere, and you need to re-act. Delightful! Technically, while this was a collective purchase of 3 separate game cartridges, they’re all basically the same idea and I spent less than $10 total so I’m clumping them together. I’m actually in the process of writing an article about the Game and Watch so I’ll save some insight for that.

Puzzle Quest (Nintendo DS)

Score: Yes.

It’s Bejeweled… RPG? This was actually my second copy of the game (the first copy was absorbed by my wife). The game has some pacing issues and it has some terrible music but… well… it’s Bejeweled RPG. You level up your character, learn spells that make your Bejewel battles more effective, and you button mash through story sequences until you accidentally skip over the text that tells you where to go next. It’s really great!

Super Mario Land (Gameboy)

Score: YES.

Beautiful, beautiful, inexplicable, beautiful. Gameplay, level design, story, music.

Recap

Average Score: Yes.

I just noticed that most of this batch of games were hand held. I guess this is because I haven’t been home much lately, or maybe I just really wanted to play games in strange settings again. Either way, here’s some of the next five (I might have to post their reviews tomorrow, unless I somehow avoid buying a fifth game): Umihara Kawase (PSOne), Monster World Complete Collection (PS2), The Zombie vs. Ambulance (PS2), and and old favorite: Vib Ribbon (PS1). Hey, those are all in Japanese!

I’ve bought Guitar Hero 3 times now. The boxes are stacked up on the media shelf behind my TV. At this rate (1 Guitar Hero case per year), I will hit the ceiling with Guitar Hero cases in 4 years. Hopefully I’ll have moved by then! Otherwise we’ll need to cut a rather large hole in the roof.

So, I bought Guitar Hero the day it came out. Guitar Hero II took some coaxing, and Guitar Hero II Again Redux took some soul searching. Every time it feels worth it, though. How do you do that? I own every game Harmonix has made, and they’re all fantastic for what they are. They try and accomplish a goal (teaching their audience music-oriented tricks with their hands) and they always do.

Yet, I’m not excited about Rock Band yet. It’s going to take more than what they’ve said so far to trick me again. One of these days, Guitar Hero, I’m going to Punch You in the Face.

It’s a game where you drive across the entire world at 60 frames per second. The skies are as blue as SEGA’s past and the music is filled with simple but catchy melodies. There are balloons! There are branching paths! The most beautiful music you will ever here is on the map screen that shows up when time runs out or you lose a race; you cannot stay on the map screen, it makes you leave before the song ends.

It’s a driving game, which is different from a racing game in that there are no other cars that matter. There is no AI to care about. If you lose, it is because you didn’t get far enough from point A to points E-J before time ran out. You will see the sky and the sea and the mountains and the desert and the forests and the cities.

The Xbox controller, even the Type S, feels heavy now, after 2 years of using the 360 controller. This game will never appear on the backwards compatibility list because Outrun is extremely unpopular in the USA. Even with the seemingly fan-driven BC update we got this week, it would be a pretty tall order to get Microsoft to bring Outrun 2 to the slimmer, whiter Xbox of Tomorrow.

The lighting and the scenery bring you through a beautiful version of the real world that will make you want to travel and see these things for yourself, because you know they can’t possibly be this perfect, but maybe you’ll find a place where the mountains grow high and they blot out the Sun.

I’m trying, very hard, to find a boxed copy of Super Mario Land for Gameboy. I want to know if the manual explains why Mario travels in a spaceship. It’s basically a rom-hack that sold millions of copies. I’m very into the bastard children of extremely popular game series. Those games that just feel wrong within the brand. Most of the time, these games happen when companies try and port their most popular franchises to less powerful hardware. Here’s a quick list of some of my favorites:

• Super Mario Land
• Final Fantasy X-2
• Ms. Pac-man
• Half-Life for PS2 (with co-op!)
• The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
• Twinbee RPG
• Street Fighter 2: The Movie: The Game
• Mario is Missing
• Most arcade ports to the Atari and the SEGA Master System
• Every game for the CDi
• Every game for the Virtual Boy
• Stretch Panic (not in a series, but it’s just wrong)
• Mighty Final Fight
• Contra Force
• Most games for the Game Gear

These are probably my favorite types of games. They break almost all the rules of branding, but they almost always try something new, sometimes it’s awesome! Sometimes it’s terrible.