ben is on the inter.net

So! I’ve spent nearly the entire year updating my personae internatia on twitter and flickr. I very recently started a second twitter account, this one as a writing outlet for bizarre short stories. It’s called Tales to Bewilder and here are the first 50 posts, in order. I’ll continue to post these here, for those readers who would potentially prefer to read them in digest form, instead of as random blips on their twitter feed.

1. When the third morning comes, the botborgs drink the hobobloods, awash in the streetstink. Their awful mayor shouts: “Jobs for everyone!”
2. The Jetgirl flies each night over the city! The children look up at her, dropping their disgusting food treats! By mistake! THEY LOVE JETS!
3. When Harrison Bealey eats the Magic Yoghurt he turns into! The Lactic Giant! Zounds! He destroys a school cafeteria! The mothers are free!
4. The robot cowboy wept his oily robot cowboy tears. His fake mustache had stopped working, and the whores of the New West charged full price.
5. WHERE LEAPS THE FLIGHTLESS LEAPMAN! FIRST ISSUE! 12 CENTS! HOLOGRAPHIC COVER WITH FIVE ALTERNATE PRINTINGS!
6. LEAPMAN! He finds some flowers, DEAD IN THE GROUND! The locals stare at him, shocked! Could he be the killer? Crying, confused, leaping.
7. Hundreds of meticulously crafted robot puppies combined, taking the form of an eagle covered in guns. This was what the taxpayers wanted.
8. The dancing man reached his limit and fell dead, bleeding. The audience did one of those movie-style slow-claps, but he was still dead.
9. He used his grapple gun to pull the perp into his gaping hug. He hung there a while, above the city, singing the songs of detectives.
10. LEAPMAN! “Oh God. Oh God no. NO! I thought it said MANGER! I never meant to put all those babies into the MANGLER! Not on CHRISTMAS!”
11. A bear looked around, suspicious that Men might be present, fearing their bows and guns and knives. She did not expect the chainsaw. Splash!
12. She was crying. “Another client lost because of the spider venom! Why do we even sell spider venom! It keeps getting into the soda!”
13. Being 40 ft. tall never stopped Jim Bismark from pursuing his dream to become a news anchor. They built him a special set and teleprompter.
14. When the 40 ft tall news anchor died, it was by his own hands. His first goal reached, he moved onto his second, a desire to die on live TV.
15. LEAPMAN! Somebody killed the 40 ft. tall news anchor! They’re blaming you! It seems that you fuck everything up somehow! Way to go, idiot!
16. A playwright learns of the death of the only 40 ft. tall man in America. Looking at his script, he knows he must now rewrite a certain part.
17. The world mourns their third tallest man. America mourns harder, motherfucker, because he was theirs, and they feel that shit, dawg.
18. Spewing forth an army of angels, President God declared safety for all. His mouth was an air raid siren. His body was a new Chevy Camaro.
19. LEAPMAN! Soaring down the road at speeds rivalling most cars! His date is waiting! Despite her ugly face, he is still in a hurry!
20. Ninja Girlfriend made her way through the mall! It hurt very badly to walk on the ground, instead of on the sky. She could smell fox meat.
21. Ninja Boyfriend totally killed some guy! It was awesome! But then he had to stop killing guys so he could meet Ninja Girlfriend at the mall.
22. Ninja Girlfriend does not buy clothes at the mall! She steals them! But nobody can tell she’s doing it! All they see are logs and smoke!
23. Ninja Boyfriend does not drive! He takes the city bus! But on top, like a cool ninja guy! He could smell rain clouds, 50 miles to the east.
24. President God clutched his giant fucksword, Hugbringer. This was hard to do, as his body was a new Chevy Camaro, and it did not have hands.
25. They ignored the warnings and took the boat out. The last thing they heard was the sound of leathery wings. The flying gators were on them.
26. President God orders the immediate arrest of The Lactic Giant! They say he killed all those kids! They’re calling him The Lactic Nightmare!
27. The Lactic Giant begs them to stop accusing him of the Mangler incident last Christmas! He runs far, but his white trail is easy to follow.
28. He is putrid with the stink of so much rotten milk. “AM NOT GUILTY. AM NOT PUT BABIES IN MANGLER. AM MAYBE DESTROY CAFETERIA MAYBE MAYBE.”
29. Realizing that he admitted to one mass-murder in front of the Report Squad, The Giant fled, sobbing. “AM NIGHTMARE NOW. AM WHAT YOU SAY OK.”
30. LEAPMAN! His date hasn’t called back yet! It’s been 5 days! He’s not sure what he should do! He bought her some flowers, but they are dying!
31. Ninja girlfriend and ninja boyfriend are fighting 20 guys at once! Neither of them are trying very hard! Just going through the motions!
32. The Frying Man stands proud, arms akimbo, over his defeated foes! “Out of the pot and into the Man!” He starts slicing them up, heroically.
33. The giant butt was laughing. It took a sip from its milkshake, splashing some on its giant mustache. He had Jetgirl, this time. It was over.
34. Or was it? Jetgirl smirked. “How’s the milkshake? I laced it with spider venom!” The ass stared at her without eyes, then started choking.
35. The ass was puking a stinking venomy milksauce. Jetgirl blasted off! The children looked up as she streaked the sky. THEY REALLY LOVE JETS!
36. She was taking a walk through the time forest. All she could hear was a faint guitar, shredding in the distance, beyond the minute pools.
37. The shopkeeper hurried to the Jetphone, but he was too late. The Street Sharks™ burst through the front door, spitting out nonsense demands.
38. LEAPMAN! He’s become a creepy shut-in guy! All he does now is look at flickr and read craigslist and twitter! HE IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW!
39. LEAPMAN!’s brother is in town! He is much more famous and handsome! Leapman decides to pick up the pieces! To save some worthless lives!
40. LEAPMAN! On patrol! It feels like the old days! He leaps fist-first into a crazy raper guy, completely neutralizing his raping threat!
41. LEAPMAN! Pretty sure he killed that dude! He hears sirens and a woman screaming! That raper guy must have been a really famous raper! Maybe!
42. The mayor has been murdered! A citywide search for his killer has begun! They have replaced him with his robot backup! The robot hates us!
43. Ninja Boyfriend is looking for clues! He can smell the killer’s footprints. He uses his magic time-vision to try and see the killer’s face.
44. Ninja Girlfriend can feel Ninja Boyfriend whispering, 30 miles away. “I have seen the killer.” She turns into a bird and flies really fast!
45. Ninja Boyfriend and Robot Mayor are holding a press conference! They will announce the killer’s identity and the prize for their capture.
46. Ninja Boyfriend’s eyes never stop moving. In hushed syllables, he speaks the killer’s name. “Leapman.” The audience does not look surprised.
47. Robot Mayor announces a prize of 100 Male Hu-Men, strong of both arm and back, for the capture of Leapman. The heroes of the city blast off!
48. The largest and smallest and regularly sizedest of the heroes search today for the infamous Leapman. All want the strong-backed prizemeat.
49. LEAPMAN! Sensing danger, he hides in a bar, drinking himself nearly to death and back again, losing all desire to leap in the process!
50. 50th #TTB: OH SHIT! OH FUCK! Zombies all over the city! Who cares about the hunt for the mayor now! Not this guy! I MEAN, KILLER! WHATEVER!